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Michael LaSala
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Anti-Gay Bullying is more than just "child's play."
Gov. Pat Quinn signed into law an "anti-bullying" bill for Illinois last week, yet groups like Focus on the Family are saying it erodes parental rights and promotes a homosexual agenda in the schools. I am a grown gay man, but as an effeminate child who was bad at sports, I was repeatedly the object of my classmates taunts and violence--so it is hard for me to hold my temper and remain calm and objective when I hear these time worn arguments against doing the right thing to protect children.
In my own research, I found that the verbal and physical abuse faced by kids who manifest cross-gendered behavior left deep lasting wounds, some of which led to lifelong emotional problems. Read the following quote from a young man who experienced this abuse during his formative years:
Well see the thing of it was I got colitis the summer after my sixth-grade year, which was my worst year in school ever. The kids beat me up with no mercy and my teacher did nothing about it, absolutely nothing. And he is the vice principal now! I am convinced, because of the stress of that year I developed colitis the summer following sixth grade and I was very sick.
By the fall the doctors figured out what it was, gave me medicine and I was fine . . . but halfway through eighth grade the bullies started up again and this time it was girls that were just angry and just hated me. . . . But it [also] seemed like every boy was just trying to get me—kick me in the hallway, push me over, push my books on the floor—crap like that. And I developed colitis again in the spring of that year.
In my own research, I found that the verbal and physical abuse faced by kids who manifest cross-gendered behavior left deep lasting wounds, some of which led to lifelong emotional problems. Read the following quote from a young man who experienced this abuse during his formative years:
Well see the thing of it was I got colitis the summer after my sixth-grade year, which was my worst year in school ever. The kids beat me up with no mercy and my teacher did nothing about it, absolutely nothing. And he is the vice principal now! I am convinced, because of the stress of that year I developed colitis the summer following sixth grade and I was very sick.
By the fall the doctors figured out what it was, gave me medicine and I was fine . . . but halfway through eighth grade the bullies started up again and this time it was girls that were just angry and just hated me. . . . But it [also] seemed like every boy was just trying to get me—kick me in the hallway, push me over, push my books on the floor—crap like that. And I developed colitis again in the spring of that year.
This young man attempted to commit suicide in middle school and had also failed out of two colleges as a young man due to depression over the trauma he experienced as a young child, and his example is just one of many. Like this previously quoted young man, most of the kids who experienced this abuse did not even know they were gay--they talked about the other kids calling them "gay" and "fag" or "dyke" before they even knew the meaning of the word--so they were being punished for something they didn't even understand. Additionally, many of the kids I interviewed talked about how their teachers witnessed their abuse, but did nothing to stop it.
Whatever your beliefs or political or religious persuasion, it is impossible for me to believe that if the naysayers to anti-bullying programs really understood the issues and the wounds that are being inflicted on our children, they would be against this legislation. Much of the bullying today is directed at kids with cross-gendered behaviors and/or has a strong homophobic content so all anti-bullying programs must address these issues among their student body, teachers and administration.
Read more about gay and lesbian youth and their experiences in the new book: "Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child" www.comingoutcominghome.com
Monday, July 5, 2010
Rising Family Tensions as Kids Get Ready to Tell the Big Secret!
Like a runaway train, once the young men and women in this study realized they were gay, something was set in motion that they felt they could not stop. Sooner or later they knew they would have to let others know, and this prospect was terrifying. Many of the youth already got a taste of what can happen when peers suspect someone is "different." What would the world do to them once it was known for sure?
During the pre-coming out subphase of Family Discovery, which occurred 1-3 months before the child came out, the youth in my study felt intensely burdened by the stress of hiding, the isolation, actual and anticipated peer harassment, difficulties in relationships with romantic or sexual partners and worries for their future. They often experienced profound symptoms of anxiety or depression during this time. They longed to talk to those closest to them about this, their parents, but they feared their rejection.
Parents knew something was happening with their children during this time--but weren't sure what. Some attributed their children's unhappiness to the usual growing pains of adolescence while others knew something was up--something that went well beyond teen angst. Either way, kids distanced or became combative--which led to confusion or defensiveness among parents, that in a reciprocal fashion, could lead to more distance and irritation in the children, etc.
For the families in my study, like a balloon quickly filling with air, the tension was rising and sooner or later, something was going to burst.
Read more about the experiences of families with a coming out child in the new book: Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child (www.comingoutcominghome.com )
During the pre-coming out subphase of Family Discovery, which occurred 1-3 months before the child came out, the youth in my study felt intensely burdened by the stress of hiding, the isolation, actual and anticipated peer harassment, difficulties in relationships with romantic or sexual partners and worries for their future. They often experienced profound symptoms of anxiety or depression during this time. They longed to talk to those closest to them about this, their parents, but they feared their rejection.
Parents knew something was happening with their children during this time--but weren't sure what. Some attributed their children's unhappiness to the usual growing pains of adolescence while others knew something was up--something that went well beyond teen angst. Either way, kids distanced or became combative--which led to confusion or defensiveness among parents, that in a reciprocal fashion, could lead to more distance and irritation in the children, etc.
For the families in my study, like a balloon quickly filling with air, the tension was rising and sooner or later, something was going to burst.
Read more about the experiences of families with a coming out child in the new book: Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child (www.comingoutcominghome.com )
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
However, once the child comes out, it can be a seismic shock for the family. Parents have reported feelings of loss, guilt, anger, fear, religious confusion, and isolation, upon learning that their child is gay or lesbian. Youth fear the very real possibility they will lose their family’s financial and emotional support. Nevertheless, existing models of coming out tend to be individually focused, relying exclusively on either the perception of children. What do parents and children from the same family say about the coming out experience? What do parents think helps their adjustment? What do children believe is beneficial? How are parent and child impressions similar, different and why?
Furthermore the traditional thinking about parental adjustment goes something like this: 1) parents get upset or angry when they learn their children are gay, 2) their frightened, helpless children who are seeking love and acceptance are victims of their parents’ disapproval, 3) parents get educated about homosexuality, 4) they feel better and their attitudes toward their children improve. However, it is reasonable to wonder if the reality of parental adjustment is more complicated and whether there is a family adjustment process in which both parents and children are active players. Do child factors and/or parent-child interactions play a role in family adjustment?
The answers are yes and yes
To find these answers, I qualitatively interviewed a sample of 65 African American, Latino, and white gay and lesbian youth (aged 18-25) and 76 of their parents, and what emerged from this research was a tentative model that identified family adjustment in 4 stages, the first of which is called Family Sensitization. This is the stage introduced in the first entry of this blog and typifies the year or so before kids came out, when they were realizing their sexual orientation and as a result becoming distressed and distanced from their parents. Though most children believed their parents suspected their sexual orientation at this stage, many parents did not. Nevertheless, parents became confused and worried in response to their children’s distance.
Read more in the new book: "Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child (http://www.comingoutcominghome.com/ )
Furthermore the traditional thinking about parental adjustment goes something like this: 1) parents get upset or angry when they learn their children are gay, 2) their frightened, helpless children who are seeking love and acceptance are victims of their parents’ disapproval, 3) parents get educated about homosexuality, 4) they feel better and their attitudes toward their children improve. However, it is reasonable to wonder if the reality of parental adjustment is more complicated and whether there is a family adjustment process in which both parents and children are active players. Do child factors and/or parent-child interactions play a role in family adjustment?
The answers are yes and yes
To find these answers, I qualitatively interviewed a sample of 65 African American, Latino, and white gay and lesbian youth (aged 18-25) and 76 of their parents, and what emerged from this research was a tentative model that identified family adjustment in 4 stages, the first of which is called Family Sensitization. This is the stage introduced in the first entry of this blog and typifies the year or so before kids came out, when they were realizing their sexual orientation and as a result becoming distressed and distanced from their parents. Though most children believed their parents suspected their sexual orientation at this stage, many parents did not. Nevertheless, parents became confused and worried in response to their children’s distance.
Read more in the new book: "Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child (http://www.comingoutcominghome.com/ )
Monday, June 28, 2010
Before Coming Out: Children's Fears, Parents' Suspicions
For some girls, it might begin with a crush on an older sister’s best friend or a strange physical sensation that occurs while watching Xena, the Warrior Princess on television. For a boy, it might be a fantasy to take a bath with a buddy or a strong urge to run his hand across his gym teacher’s bearded cheek. At first, these children might not pay much attention to these early stirrings—when they first appear boys and girls are usually too young to know what they mean. However, at some point as they get older they come realize to their horror that there is something wrong with these feelings—horribly wrong. These urges threatened to pull them away from everything and everyone they know, leaving them as lost and alone as an unmoored boat, bobbing and drifting on a cold, dark, dangerous sea.
Children with these feelings often want nothing more than to be like everyone else, to be accepted and well-liked by their peers. However, they soon realize that if they were found out they would be ridiculed as outcasts. They could lose everything: their friends, the respect of the teachers and classmates at school—and—perhaps the most frightening prospect of all, they could loose the love of their parents.
Now imagine you are a parent of one of these children. You noticed that your tomboy daughter does not seem to be developing interests in boys like her older sister did at her age and also seems to have a particularly intense friendship with the girl next door. Your sensitive son prefers to help his mom around the house rather than play ball outside with the other boys. Like a gentle summer breeze, the thought occurs to you. “Does this mean . . . could it mean . . . ?” but, before you could finish it, the notion, like that breeze, is gone. You push away any nagging worry the thought leaves behind and try to forget it.
Children with these feelings often want nothing more than to be like everyone else, to be accepted and well-liked by their peers. However, they soon realize that if they were found out they would be ridiculed as outcasts. They could lose everything: their friends, the respect of the teachers and classmates at school—and—perhaps the most frightening prospect of all, they could loose the love of their parents.
Now imagine you are a parent of one of these children. You noticed that your tomboy daughter does not seem to be developing interests in boys like her older sister did at her age and also seems to have a particularly intense friendship with the girl next door. Your sensitive son prefers to help his mom around the house rather than play ball outside with the other boys. Like a gentle summer breeze, the thought occurs to you. “Does this mean . . . could it mean . . . ?” but, before you could finish it, the notion, like that breeze, is gone. You push away any nagging worry the thought leaves behind and try to forget it.
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