However, once the child comes out, it can be a seismic shock for the family. Parents have reported feelings of loss, guilt, anger, fear, religious confusion, and isolation, upon learning that their child is gay or lesbian. Youth fear the very real possibility they will lose their family’s financial and emotional support. Nevertheless, existing models of coming out tend to be individually focused, relying exclusively on either the perception of children. What do parents and children from the same family say about the coming out experience? What do parents think helps their adjustment? What do children believe is beneficial? How are parent and child impressions similar, different and why?

Furthermore the traditional thinking about parental adjustment goes something like this: 1) parents get upset or angry when they learn their children are gay, 2) their frightened, helpless children who are seeking love and acceptance are victims of their parents’ disapproval, 3) parents get educated about homosexuality, 4) they feel better and their attitudes toward their children improve. However, it is reasonable to wonder if the reality of parental adjustment is more complicated and whether there is a family adjustment process in which both parents and children are active players. Do child factors and/or parent-child interactions play a role in family adjustment?

The answers are yes and yes


To find these answers, I qualitatively interviewed a sample of 65 African American, Latino, and white gay and lesbian youth (aged 18-25) and 76 of their parents, and what emerged from this research was a tentative model that identified family adjustment in 4 stages, the first of which is called Family Sensitization. This is the stage introduced in the first entry of this blog and typifies the year or so before kids came out, when they were realizing their sexual orientation and as a result becoming distressed and distanced from their parents. Though most children believed their parents suspected their sexual orientation at this stage, many parents did not. Nevertheless, parents became confused and worried in response to their children’s distance.

Read more in the new book: "Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child (http://www.comingoutcominghome.com/ )