Like a runaway train, once the young men and women in this study realized they were gay, something was set in motion that they felt they could not stop. Sooner or later they knew they would have to let others know, and this prospect was terrifying. Many of the youth already got a taste of what can happen when peers suspect someone is "different." What would the world do to them once it was known for sure?
During the pre-coming out subphase of Family Discovery, which occurred 1-3 months before the child came out, the youth in my study felt intensely burdened by the stress of hiding, the isolation, actual and anticipated peer harassment, difficulties in relationships with romantic or sexual partners and worries for their future. They often experienced profound symptoms of anxiety or depression during this time. They longed to talk to those closest to them about this, their parents, but they feared their rejection.
Parents knew something was happening with their children during this time--but weren't sure what. Some attributed their children's unhappiness to the usual growing pains of adolescence while others knew something was up--something that went well beyond teen angst. Either way, kids distanced or became combative--which led to confusion or defensiveness among parents, that in a reciprocal fashion, could lead to more distance and irritation in the children, etc.
For the families in my study, like a balloon quickly filling with air, the tension was rising and sooner or later, something was going to burst.
Read more about the experiences of families with a coming out child in the new book: Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child (www.comingoutcominghome.com )
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